Right now I'm doing something I vowed to never ever ever ever ever do unless it was a life or death situation... Well maybe this is a life or death situation. I find myself being a person who can truly only express what he thinks through words.
Maybe it's a psychological problem, but speaking has never served me well. I always fumble with what I say.
Here's the situation: I'm an asshole. I was born one and I'll always be one. And maybe I'm just calling myself one in the hopes that someone will sympathize with me and say, "No, you're a cool guy." In fact that's the exact intent of me doing this.
Every man has two sides to his personality. The Dick and The Heart. More often then not, It's the Dick running the show. But every so often the Heart steps in to do something right.
My Personality is an average of 70% dick, 30% heart. Not the best ratio I could ask for, but the fact is that's how I am.
I've nothing to do to change this, and no one can change my behavior but me. I am contented to be a Dick? Maybe.
My only reason for thinking otherwise is that I always loathe myself when I am one.
Ahhhh!!!!!! I need human companionship. I need to talk to someone for i fear i will loose my sanity if i linger inside my own head much longer! still sick.... i require speak human talk. Je desire parler avec un copain! aidez-moi!
But seriously. Let's talk for awhile. i mean i haven't written a long entry in god knows how long.
These days my time is spent chatting with people on "Threads" and "Forums" on IMDB about new upcoming movies. But i just can't fucking take it any more. there comes a time when you just have to shoot yourself in the foot to take away the pain, you know?
Then i'll make some huge elaborate plan to do something that will never become more than just an idea or a thought.
And when i get to that state of total boredom and what a state it is... I'll watch TV or fuck around on YouTube.
I got no life. No drive... just guilt and boredom.
Well at least i'm not depressed.
than maybe i'll play a video game or subscribe to some online thing. But what's the point? I'm forbidden to spend money... I should really get a job. Fuck.
i should really throw myself off a cliff is what i should do. But if i start contemplating suicide i sound like a prick.
...and i don't want to kill myself by the way.
so how do you shove drive and ambition into someone with nothing to do and no where to go? you tell me, cause i'd really like to know.
I just need someone to give me a hug and say "You're cool, man." Then i'd feel better.
I'm running out of things to do on the internet. I hesitated even posting this because I know that somewhere there's some starving child dieing and living in a pile of dirt and feces. So why the fuck should I be complaining that I can't find anything to look at on the internet with my flat screen HD monitor and my iTunes, and other such bullshit. I make myself sick. But I'm bored with the internet. There isn't anything worth looking at or doing anymore.
Can I go to jail for lying about contributing money to a cause?
The fire department has been calling us every day for the last month asking for contributions, but they always call when my mom is at work. So i've always had to say, sorry call back later. so just a few minutes ago they called and asked me the same exact questions and other such bullshit and finally got to the contribution part. this time I said no, i can't afford to make any contributions, but the guy kept asking me and lowering the contribution rate and blah blah blah. so I said fuck it, I'll just do it so they shut the fuck up already. so I gave him my old address and said that i'd send in cash. then they had to confirm it and they put my name on record. so if i don't pay the 20 dollars they asked me for, are they gonna call me again and tell me to go fuck myself? or take me to court? or ignore my house when it's burning to the ground? well i guess they'll ignore my old house if it burns to the ground. Plus i'm not even 18 so it doesn't matter. and i told them i couldn't pay to begin with. so i don't have to be too worried.
it's amazing what you have to go through to get someone to leave you alone.
For those of you who didn't know, I have Mono. Hence my absence at school and my previous talk about being in pain. Probably won't go back to school until tuesday or wednesday.
Update: Item 2...
I miss people and I actually want to go to school. It makes me feel lazy and spoiled that I have to stay home while the rest of you have to suffer. So sorry from me.
Took the written drive test today and failed it. Taking it again this afternoon.
Saw Snakes on a plane. Hilarious. The funniest part of the movie for me was when they referred to the snakes as "the snakes". I mean they're fucking snakes man! it's not like they're terrorists. ridiculous.
I miss people. I don't know when i'm getting back. could be this weekend, could be sometime next week.
So apparently I have to go to Port Angeles again tomorrow. This news just came to me yesterday. But I'll be back in a week.
This summer has been kind of dull. I haven't done much of anything. I didn't do any of the things I said that I would. And now I feel like I wasted a hell of a lot of time that could have been put to better use...
Well i'm at my dad's for the rest of the week. Then I get to come back on saturday and MOVE. Yay! just what I always wanted. honestly, I haven't lived in a house for more than two years in i don't know how long. But I was the one who wanted to move so I can't complain. Plus I'm moving to fairhaven which is sweeeeet... I'll be close to everything and stuff.
I saw some crazy movies:
The Machinist - skinny Christian Bale... good stuff. Jackie Brown - Tarantino flick, Pam Grier, Samuel Jackson, Robert De Niro... How can you go wrong? Weekend at Bernie's - Dead guy and two jews... Come on.
Plus, I started watching Miami Vice cause my dad has the mad cable hook-ups G. That show is really cool. Makes me want to see the movie. But I can't see Colin Ferrel and Jamie Foxx as Crockett and Tubbs.
Anyways, Live journal is my only form of communication to you people other than my cell. So comment, chat, call, what ever. See you all when I get back.
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